Last year was really hard. And I didn’t write here at all.
The older I get, the tighter the grip depression becomes. I Know it’s something I’ll never escape and something that no one can fix. I just wish it wasn’t so heavy.
I’ve begun having anxiety attacks like I’ve never had before. I sit in the shower with the water beating down and I cry, but I can’t breathe. I gasp for air and hold my hand out on my chest to feel my heart beating fast. I imagine drowning in the bathtub or walking into the ocean. Going so far that I can’t get back, because I can’t swim. My mind doesn’t slow down ever. It’s a constant reminder of all my failures, and everything I haven’t accomplished. It reminds me that I’m alone and nobody loves me.
Like really loves me.
This was perhaps my saddest year. I dated someone for a few months who became so flaky that I ended it. I wasn’t too hurt by it being that person, but I wanted to know why they didn’t make time for me. We would make plans and they would cancel them at the last minute because of some other obligation they forgot they had, which is a shitty thing to do to a person.
My datemate, someone I was seeing for a while, silently drifted away over the months of last spring. I had tried to make plans with her a few times over the summer, but they would forget about me. I was in denial over it until many months past that, and had to be told by my best friend that it was over between me and her. I didn’t like hearing that from them, but a few days later, I realized it was true.
Out of the blue in November, I got a message from someone I had been seeing briefly over last New Years. We got coffee and talked and they apologized about how they ended things with us. We went on another couple dates and it felt nice to be wanted after so long. To be held and kissed and touched. I had top surgery the next weekend and then they got busy. I tried to make plans a few times, but all I got was cancelled on. I told them to let me know the next time they’re free, but like everybody else, I’m sure they won’t.
It was nice though, for a while. I liked the way they smelled.
I spent Christmas day alone, crying on the couch watching Netflix because my family lives in a different province and my sister is a horrible person so we switch Christmas each year. And all of my friends have partners or had family with them. I could’ve chosen to embrace it or I could have messaged someone and asked to be included in something, but instead I just cried the whole day.
At a friend’s Halloween party, I met this enby I thought was really cute. We added each other to Facebook and then 1.5 months later, I asked them out. I was apprehensive to call it a date though because even though we went for dinner, we didn’t hold hands after or kiss goodnight. I chalked it up to both of us being awkward queers. I asked them out to dinner again to see what could become, but of course, their schedule changed because they forgot they had something else that day.
I could’ve agreed to just meet up in the evening instead of the afternoon like planned, but I couldn’t do it. I decided I didn’t want to be somebody’s second thought anymore. I’m not asking to be anyone’s top priority, but it’s nice to feel like someone really wants to be around you. So that’s over now too and it’s January eight this morning.
I go back to work next Monday since recovering from surgery, and I have plans to take a script supervisor course to jump into the industry I wanna be in. I’m going to start taking spin classes with a friend, and I’m going to update my broken ass phone and get an eye exam and new glasses.
I have two boards in my bedroom. One with lists of screenplay competitions I’m going to enter my TV pilot, feature film, and short script into, and a board of aspirations which include people I want to work with on films someday, including Laverne Cox, Lena Waithe, and Ellen Page, among other things like getting a bike to cruise around on.
I’m trying to keep myself busy so I’m not occupied on how lonely I am, but mostly it’s all I think about. I know I need to see a counsellor again so I will add that to my list.
I just wish I could find that person to be with.